Gaslighting a Nation

The British government’s recent actions around Dominic Cummings can be explained as no less than gaslighting. I’d actually take that further and say their whole response to Covid-19 has been gaslighting on a massive scale and something I personally find very upsetting and triggering.

For those who are lucky enough to not know what gaslighting is, its defined as the following:

‘manipulate (someone) by psychological means into doubting their own sanity’

Consistent lies, manipulation of reality and dismissive of facts, are all methods of gaslighting. Our government has been doing this consistently to us since the start of this pandemic and the psychological impact and lasting effects it can have on the public is frightening.

I speak from the perspective of someone who has been in a relationship where i was consistently gaslighted, to the extent that I was made to doubt something that was printed on a bank statement. I want you to take a second to consider that, I genuinely considered the possibility that the transactions on a bank statement didn’t actually happen, and it was a mistake during the printing of the statement. This was the culmination of 6 years of manipulation, control and losing all sense of self.

What’s happening in this country is just as dangerous. Already we have people dismissing scientifically proven facts because they don’t fit with that they are being told. The proof can literally be shown to them but because the government states otherwise, they believe it. I am terrified as to what this means for our future. The public is being primed for dictatorship in a new form, one they won’t be able to recognise. Slowly, more and more of our reality will be shaped by popular opinions rather than by experts and facts.

I lived through this on a small scale for nearly 7 years. It took a long time for me to trust my own judgement again and to accept the long term impact it had on me. I don’t want to see the result of the long term impact on a gaslight country, it’s a terrifying prospect, so I continue to debate with those who won’t listen and will continue to share my views in an attempt to keep reality an objective truth and not whatever our abusers Government wants it to be.

Sexiness is a social construct

Sexually attractiveness is a social construct that has evolved over time. The Ideal Woman and Ideal Man changes over time, reflecting the ideals of society at that time. If this is the case, then why do we treat sexually attractiveness as an outward tangible quality when in fact it is a constantly fluid and evolving concept? It is a fleeting and seasonal as fashion and therefore will be forever unattainable.

 

1920’s

Woman were slim, fun and free with short wavy hair and loose fitting dresses. The ‘girlie’ or younger a woman appeared to be, the more attractive she was considered.

Men, on the other hand, were suited, sharp, often with cultured moustaches and slicked-back hair.

1940’s

As everyone knows the 1940’s was dominated by pin-up girls. Curvy women in tight clothes, small waists and flashing their suspenders and stockings. This look went in hand with women’s rise in society to fill the gaps left by men going to war and at the same time, the overt sexuality of the look appeased the men at war.

On the other hand, baby-faced men suddenly became popular. Smooth skin, bright smiles, dancing shoes and charm is what became highly sought after.

 

1960’s

Sexual freedom reigned in the 60’s and the rise of the mini-skirt conquered all. Big hair, short skirts and slim figures were back in fashion. Some elements of this period correlates to the 1920’s; dresses were often loose or box shaped, women were expected to be fun-loving and young to be attractive.

For men, The Beatles ruled all. The dark hair, sharp haircuts, skinny build and loose fitting clothes were what all the women wanted.

 

1990’s

Small boobs, short hair and ‘the girl next door’ look reigned supreme in the 90’s. It was all about trying to achieve that ‘cute and sweet’ look with low key make-up and jeans with a T-shirt.

Baby-face men with blonde hair, blue eyes and ‘curtains’ made hearts melt. Boy bands were back in fashion and fresh faced ‘boys’ were plastered over magazines as the ideal man.

 

2000’s

Good girls gone bad was the look of this age. Skimpy clothing, overt sexuality and lean bodies were the desired traits in women. Long (usually blonde) hair to compliment tanned skin and finely manicured nails. The rise of the high maintenance woman peaked.

The Metro-sexual man was accepted in this time. Long scruffy hair, skinny with a devil-may-care attitude and a cheeky smile. Yet he was also expected to have smooth, clear skin, clean hair and a shaven chest.

BEVERLY HILLS, CA – JULY 28: Host/Executive Producer Russell Brand speaks onstage at the “Brand X with Russell Brand” panel during the FX portion of the 2012 Summer TCA Tour on July 28, 2012 in Beverly Hills, California. (Photo by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images)

2010’s

‘Thick’ girls got a come-back. The curvy pin-up look from the 40’s because the ideal body; rooted in ideas of accepting your body, it relegated ‘skinny’ girls to the side in favour of women with large breasts, thighs and bums.

Traditional signs of masculinity, such as a bearded and hairy chest, were held up as the pinnacle of a man with the ‘lumberjack’ look being highly popular.

 

As we move towards the beginning of the 2020’s tastes are changing yet again. Strong women are the goal; physically as well as mentally. It’s no longer unusual for women to be found in the free weights section of the gym, pumping muscle and regulating their protein intake through supplements. Yet curves are still wanted, now bodies are expected to be lean and curvy, with naturally large breasts or bums winning over plastic surgery.

For men, expectations are moving towards being physically lean in a smart suit but with a trace of stubble. The return of the Dapper Gentleman with a touch of the masculine traits from early in the decade.

 

Societies expectations or standards of beauty constantly evolves for all genders. Therefore, we should stop trying to be what we see in magazines or movies because in 5 to 10 years the ideal will have changed yet again. We should be who we want to be and we’ll find someone who see’s that beauty no matter what form it comes in.

 

 

 

 

 

FYI

This will always be my perfect man ❤ 😉

Cheap Healthcare is Hurting us All

The NHS has been ‘ring-fenced’ from cuts by the conservative government since 2010, yet this does not mean that the NHS is receiving sufficient funds to continue to support the populations health care needs. Finance directors have reported cutting back on staff, beds and wards in an attempt to meet budgets and still it is forecast that this year will see an overspend of more than £2 billion in England alone.

These constrictions have led to headlines reporting that the NHS is missing waiting times for crucial tests for patients or emergency tents being pitched outside to cope with the number of patients. Yet, unless you are one of these individuals you may not have noticed a reduction in your healthcare. Perhaps a pill name has changed or you have been prescribed a new inhaler but your doctor or nurse has reassured you that it is the same ingredients just under a new brand name which is cheaper than previous.

The same quality but cheaper? Well we can all understand why the NHS has chosen it then. However, several months down the line and this has been shown to be a lie. Diabetics who were given new needles for their insulin injections are reporting that the needles bend or break too easily and cause pain or bleeding. The decision to move to these new needles is a cost saving exercise for the NHS due to the constraints being put on it financially but it is to the detriment of the patients.

Another example, one which is very wide spread and I have experienced, is the move from microgynon contraceptive pill to rigevidon. I was told by my nurse that the pill is exactly the same, its just that rigevidon was cheaper but I should experience no difference with it. Boy was she wrong. Every girl I have spoken to has reported problems with this pill; from spotting, painful cramps to increased anxiety/depression and insomnia. Luckily for me, my nurse moved me back onto microgynon but not all doctors are happy to do so.
This is the very real impact of low NHS funding. Everyday medication is traded for cheaper brands that cause more issues and more likely more appointments at GPs to treat the problems cause by cheaper brands! Most people in everyday life are wary of cheaper brands yet we seem happy to accept it when it comes to our healthcare? This isn’t right and it shouldn’t go on. I encourage anyone who has recently changed brand on any pill to question why and to keep an eye on any unusual symptoms. We can’t let our healthcare be ruled by what is the cheapest brand to buy and the government needs to recognise this.

The importance of Context

Context is defined as:   “The situation within which something exists or happens, and that can help explain it”.

Context is something that we, as a society, seem to have forgotten about. When the latest atrocity hits our news outlets we look at it in isolation. We try and analyse why it has happened, what could have caused it but this is done without taking into account the context in which the act happened. By dismissing societal norms and ignoring outside influences (unless its extremist islam, we actively look for that)  we fail to fully understand the situation.

Everyday situations also require us to consider context. We are quick to judge or jump to conclusions about each other but often this is done without holding all of the facts. This leads us to a narrow view and understanding of the world.

Recently I have wanted to scream the word context at so many reports on the news or to peoples arguments online. The media takes issues or topics in isolation to report them but this has lead society to treat all things in this manner. Arguments or opinions should be informed with supporting facts and many of these facts are related to the incident, not neccesarily just about that one incident.

Until society, including mediaoutlets, start to discuss things in their context, we cannot hope to reach an understanding of how to stop it from happening again or how to solve the problem at hand. Knowledge leads to understanding which in turn can lead to solutions. Without all the facts, we can never resolve an problem effectively.

Feminism needs Rebranded

Feminism is a term which has out lived its use. Originally it was used to describe the movement where women demanded equal rights as their male counterparts in areas such as pay, employment and sex. Nowadays most feminists would say that they strive towards equality of the sex’s and cover topics that include LGBT rights, violence against men and racism. If its equality for everyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, that’s being aimed at, why use a gender specific word?

Third wave feminism argues  that  it is because we live in a patriarchal society that we face the social issues they are trying to fight; therefore the gender specific word ‘feminism’ is to fight against this ‘man’s world’. However, recently feminists have been addressing the ways in which society affects men discussing how men are discouraged from showing their emotions, reporting violence and repressing homosexual feelings . These are important problems in society that need to be challenged, discussed and changed, yet this can only be done through engagement of all genders.

Feminists have been cast by history as men-hating, slutty, bullying ugly women who argue that men have it better in life to justify their lower social standing. This provokes hatred from both sexes for a multitude of reasons and undermines feminist’s goals. For feminist values to be embraced by all, it must be seen to represent all. By rebranding the ideas within feminism as egalitarianism, or some such similar term, it encompasses all genders, sexual orientation, race and disability. This does not mean that women’s issues would take a back seat, but rather they would be treated equally with the other social problems that feminism seeks to address at the moment whilst at the same time shrugging off the negative images that the word ‘feminism’ can invoke.

Third wave feminism has been accused of lacking a central aim so maybe it is time to scrap the outdated term and rebrand the issues and discussions with a clear end game in sight; equality for all in all areas of life.

50 Shades of Abuse

After hearing so many different opinions on ‘50 Shades of Grey’ I finally bit the bullet and decided to read it. I felt that this was the only way I could form an honest opinion on the book. It is dreadful.

Before I even discuss the content of the book I must address the writing; it is appalling. I’ve read steamier sex scenes in a sex education pamphlet. Instead of being aroused I found myself bored and wanting it to be over. You want real sex scenes in a book? Read the Sookie Stackhouse novels. The sex scenes in 50 shades burns down to the heroine (Anastasia Steele) receiving copious amounts of oral from Christian Grey which proceeds into the missionary position. Wasn’t exactly what I was expecting to say the least.

As for the BDSM, there are fewer instances of it than I expected and most of it is very tame. A few spankings, some jiggle balls and being tied up. For many people this is not that far out of their normal sex life yet the writer tries to make the reader feel that it is all very taboo through Anastasia’s reactions.

The characters make me want to kill someone. Anastasia is a simpering idiot of a woman who has little to no personality. I hate her more than I hate Bella Swan from twilight (which funnily enough is what 50 shades of grey got its inspiration from). Christian Grey isn’t much better. His mood changes make me think he’s perpetually PMT’ing. He’s hot then he’s cold then he’s boring.

The character interactions are the only thing worth taking some time to discuss. A common complaint about this book is that it describes an abusive relationship. Having now read it in full I can say I agree. Christian controls every aspect of Ana’s life from where she goes, who she’s with to what and how much she eats. By making Ana sign a non-disclosure form he legally isolates her, preventing her from discussing their relationship and its problems with any friends or family leaving her completely reliant on Christian. Ana also starts to alter her behaviour so as not to anger Christian and repeatedly describes feeling intimidated and scared of him. Christian justifies his actions through the use of the sub/dom relationship stating that Ana should want to please Christian at all times and if she feels unhappy she should put these feelings aside for him.

A true happy consensual BDSM relationship fulfils a need that both parties have. It is conducted in a safe way that both parties have agreed to in a way that makes both participants happy. Some studies support the idea that BDSM actually makes relationships closer as long as both parties have consented to all actions involved.

This is not a happy, consensual BDSM relationship. This is the perfect description of abuse; the isolation, fear, controlling, stalking, jealousy and anger. Christian is only concerned about his own satisfaction, taking Ana’s virginity as ‘a means to an end’. Ana frequently voices her dislike of being hurt through spanking etc yet Christian proceeds to inflict this on her as it fills a need he has. He manipulates her emotionally in order for him to get what he wants. This is abuse.

For this type of relationship to be accepted and in some cases celebrated by the mainstream is harmful to society. It harms those who have experienced these relationships as well as teaching the next generation that this is acceptable behaviour. A recent study conducted found that 2 in 5 girls between the ages of 13-17 have been coerced into sex acts. This is the highest rate in Europe. Films/books like 50 shades continue to promote the idea that a girl is there to do whatever the man in the relationship wants and it encourages men to take what they want from a girl even if she’s not happy about it. This is what the media should be helping to fight, not promoting.

The book also is giving the BDSM community a bad image. It is not a place where abuse is everywhere, it is a community of people who know what they like and how to go about it in a safe manner. Nothing that is described can be called a BDSM relationship.

A campaign has been launched called #50dollarsnot50shades that encourages people to boycott the film and donate the money they would use to go see it to a woman’s crisis centre or charity. This helps those who have been in these relationships rather than supporting them. I personally think that this is a better way to spend your money than sitting through a dull film about an abusive relationship disguising itself as remarkably tame erotic.

 

Hidden Abuse: On the Rise

The number of people who have experience of abusive relationships is on the rise. These are not necessarily physically abusive; in fact a majority of them are psychological. These mentally abusive and manipulative relationships are now being described as ‘coercive control’ by the government as it debates the value of criminalising this behaviour.

Previously, this behaviour has been viewed as a symptom of physically abusive relationships but recent research indicates that mental abuse precludes any violence. By controlling the victims’ actions and restricting their contact with anyone else the perpetrator can normalise this behaviour and when/if it escalates into violence it is easier to lay the blame on the victim as they have already internalised the idea that it is their fault if something goes wrong. This can have devastating consequences with statistics showing that seven women and two men are killed by current or former partners per month in England and Wales.

30% of women have reported having experienced this type of relationship. However, it should be noted that it is not just women who are the victims. Plenty of men have been in psychologically controlling and abusive relationships. Both genders describe the relationships as having started normally but slowly, at their partners’ behest, they eliminate undesirable aspects of their personality and behaviour, friends, family, hobbies etc. Self confidence falls dramatically and many describe feeling the need to avoid arguments at all costs and therefore fulfilling any requests of their partner. This continual negative reinforcement instils the idea that the victim is to blame for all the unhappiness in the relationship.

Victim-blaming, a disturbingly common conception in mainstream media, lays all the blame of any abuse received at the feet of the victim; whether this abuse be physical, sexual or psychological. This further internalises the concept to the victim that it is somehow their fault, resulting in them being less likely to seek help for fear of the reaction they will receive.

Criminalising this behaviour would provide legitimacy to those suffering and perhaps encourage them to come forward or leave the relationship without fear of judgement. However, a societal change is also required. People need to be more understanding of the mental state of the victim and if it’s a friend or family to continue to support them even if they continue to return to their abusive partner. Providing support, encouragement and noticing changes in friends can help to identify these relationships and perhaps even improve the rates at which women leave them before the psychological becomes physical and the victim becomes another statistic in abuse reports.

#yesallwomen – no all men

 

A young American man goes on a killing spree due to being rejected by various women, two hundred Nigerian girls kidnapped, two young Indian girls gang raped and hung from a tree; All highly publicised, recent international incidents of violence against women. The twitter #yesallwomen campaign has highlighted the everyday harassment and abuse that women receive and put up with. These combined has put violence against women and misogyny to the top of international headlines and discussion.

A recent study revealed that 65% of women experience harrasment on a daily basis while 43% have been exposed to in some way. These figures are frightening. These things are not meant to be an everyday experience yet when I sat down and thought about it I realised how much these figures rang true for my female friends and me. I realised our collective actions were influenced by a built in instinct that I had never before questioned.

I had never questioned that my female friends and I ask each other to text to make sure we got home ok, to call each other if walking in the dark alone, to walk with keys between my fingers, to watch out to see if I’m being followed and if so change my route to double check,    to put my head down as I walk past a group of young men with my headphones on and music up loud. All of these things (and more) I do on a daily basis without thinking.

 

 

The response to the campaign has been varied. Some individuals perpetuate the stories and attempt to attack the women posting whilst others argue that it’s unfair and also sexist to label all men as such lecherous people. I agree with #noallmen. Not all men are like this, in fact many are the exact opposite or worse they do not even realise what they are doing or saying is harassment in the eyes of the woman it is directed at.

It shocks me to think that I have never stopped to question my own actions. It’s an accepted part of being a woman that these are the things we do to protect ourselves from men.  It’s our responsibility to be aware of how we look, where we go and what we do to prevent us from being harassed or attacked.

The responsibility should not be ours alone. Society needs to recognise the extent of these everyday occurrences and make attempts at educating and therefore preventing this behaviour. I am not as naive to think that this behaviour will disappear overnight but to have the hope it will change in the future. The #yesallwomen campaign has drawn continual and massive attention to this issue. The test now lies in whether society as a whole attempts to address it or if the following generation of women will grow up with the same instincts and experiences as myself.